RIP Gabe

i regret that it is my duty to inform you all that a great tragedy has befallen us. our dear friend Gabriel Bartholomew Appledumpling Robbins has moved on to a higher plane of existence. according to my belief system, that is; according to his, he has become reincarnated as the toothfairy.

Gabe's life came to an unexpected end on the 19th of June, 2034, which happened, ironically enough, to be his favorite day of the year. Gabe was swarmed by a pack of rabid hydrophobic oversized ducks, which were ironically his favorite animals. (ironically, gabe was not a big fan of irony.) in fact, having already become rich, he had dedicated the last 6 years of his life to wild-duck conservation efforts. alas, his boundless generosity proved to be his tragic flaw: the flock to which Gabe was reading a story suddenly revolted and then proceeded to beat him senseless with their foaming bills. unconscious, Gabe could offer no resistance as the crowd of tiny carnivorous beasts reduced him (and his skeletal structure) to mincemeat, which they then ate.

i'd like to take a few moments now to look back at gabe's life. he was born in toronto, canada, on the sixth of october, 1984, and at the age of six his family sold him to a fleet of pirates. it was on the high seas of lake michigan that he developed an interest in japanese and maybe some other scientific things. he proceeded to scallywag his way into a nameless midwestern university, which granted him a useless diploma. unable to obtain a standard job, and unable to reunite with his old pirate clan, gabe decided it was time to reveal his secret prowess for acrobatics.

gabe went into hiding for a brief six weeks of intense physical training; upon completion of his regimen he joined the circus. from his humble beginnings as a tricycling bair, he worked his way up the circus ladder, becoming a tall clown that fits into a small car, and then a lion tamer, then briefly a caged monstrosity, and finally a cannonball-imitator. it is in this last incarnation that g.b.a.r. made a name for himself. somehow gabe defied the law of physics and was cabale of achieving a terminal velcity nearly twice that of any other man, or any other physical body of his mass and dimensions, for that matter. not to mention that his fire-resistant (albeit not duck-proof) skin contributed to many a dazzling spectacle.

however, gabe's myriad talents passed even beyond the boundaries of the big top. i'm sure you all remember his uncanny punniness, and jeff stepp would have us remember that "the species gabius robbinsus is extremely intelligent in determining appropriate football teams for which to root." i really don't know what jeff is talking about though, because he and gabe always picked the redskins, and i'm pretty sure the redskins have not won a game in the last 7 seasons. and in the words of bob, "gabe... if only he didn't love gerbils so much, perhaps we could have spent more time together" because bob was not a big fan of gerbils, and sometimes even refused to learn their names. sorry for getting distracted, my focus should be on gabe, who is dead. what a stupendous cribbage player.

yes, gabe, wherever you are, under a pillow in some strange land, know that we shall all miss you to a larger or smaller degree, most likely a function of how many circus acts we have attended. a hyperbolic one. goodbye dear gabe. may your mincemeat rest in peace in the stomach of those wild carnivorous ducks.